The Escape

Empty Road in Vermont

There is something calming about driving a car, especially in Vermont. The roads are often empty and surrounded by Mountains. Seeing the road stretching out before you and moving steadily along it becomes hypnotic. The distance and the movement clear your head and allow for reflection. So, while the events that shape this story took place off the road it was while traveling from one place to another that I was able to make sense of them.

“I have to get out of here. There is no way I can bear staying here all summer.”

“I understand, but don’t you think you should consider your options before you just take off to Vermont?”

“No”

“You could work here and you will be with friends.”

“I’m going. It will be fine.”

That was how I decided to pick up and move to Vermont for the summer. Usually I am one of those people who have to make pro and con lists before a decision can even begin to be made. However, in that situation I made up my mind in a day and nothing could have reversed it which is how I ended up making a thirteen hour drive to Vermont.

When you spend that much time alone watching trees, pavement, and cars wiz by, you start to remember a lot of things. I once read somewhere that, “love can lead [to] a woman being lost, and in that lost world perhaps the only thing to do is leave to build a new world.”* And that is exactly what I did. Some part of me had to have known, yet it did not really hit me until I was driving that I was running away. The only reason I was going to Vermont was to escape from my past.

I had finally left him and I did not know how to deal with the pain. So, I figured if I removed myself from all of the people and places that could remind me of him I would move on. Having realized that I was fleeing my past I decided that I would get over him. Since the most painful thing was the loneliness that inevitably follows leaving a long term partner, I figured, I would fill the space.

Happily situated in my new life in Vermont I fell into a simple pattern of working long hours and spending the rest of the time with my brother’s cat or reading. Things were not very exciting, but I had succeeded in escaping. Yet leaving him still hurt so much. So, maybe if I could meet someone I would be able to complete the process of healing. That, I suppose, is why I got involved with Matt.

I met him at work; we both worked in the same office doing roughly similar jobs. Our branch of the campaign was small so when ended up spending a lot of time together. Often it would just be the two of us in the office and on busy days there might be three or four volunteers.

“Why are you here,” he asked.

“Because I wanted to go somewhere different, get away from things.”

“Well, Vermont is a great place, but there is not much to do in Montpelier. You should come into Burlington and I’ll show you around.”

It takes almost an hour to drive from Montpelier to Burlington, but it is an enjoyable ride. The second weekend of my time in Vermont I made the trip to spend the day with Matt. As promised he took me around the city. We went to Church St. where all the shops and restaurants are. Then we went back to his apartment.

“You seem kind of sad. Did you leave someone before you came here,” he asked.

“Yea”

“If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.”

“Thanks, but mostly I want to forget about him.”

“That bad? Well that works too.”

Everything seemed to be coming together for me. I was someplace new and now I had found someone to spend my time with. This was exactly what I had needed someone to distract me from the past. Now I would stop feeling so alone. I figured this is why people travel to get away, meet people, and be someone new.

Things continued like this for quite awhile and it was fun. In many ways he was a distraction when we were together at the office or hanging out on the weekends. However, the feeling of loss over my ended relationship still lingered.

I still missed him so much even though when I thought about how things were I knew I could not have stayed. Sometimes I would force myself to remember the fights. Then it was obvious why I had left.

“You are late.”

“I know. I’m sorry I called and told you I had to run an errand and then I got lost.”

“Now we don’t have any time.”

“Yes we do. Come on its not my fault lets just try to have a good time.”

Then there was the standard silent treatment.

“Talk to me! You can’t just get mad over nothing things can’t always be perfect,” I yelled.

“I’m going home. I don’t want to be here if you’re going to yell at me.”

And that is when the familiar sickening panic would set in. It was going to be another long fight, one I would spend days apologizing for because even though I didn’t do anything it was easier than fighting back.
Recalling that memory and the many similar ones it was clear I should have left sooner. I could still feel the panic creep through my body even though I was just remembering the event. Our relationship was often stressful, so, why do I feel so alone now?

One night I was driving home late from Burlington in a really heavy fog. It was so dense that I could only see a few feet ahead and I had to drive about 20 mph on a road where I usually went 75 mph. While making the tense drive home I thought about why I was with Matt. I did not really like him rather I was using our relationship to get over my past. Hoping that by not actually being alone, I would not feel so lost and lonely anymore. Yet, it was not working. I felt the exact way I did when I arrived.

“You know I’m going to leave soon,” I said.

“Yes, I knew things would be temporary from the beginning.”

“Ok, then I think we should walk away now.”

“Why? We’ve agreed it will end when you go away, so why not have fun until then?”

I felt bad pushing him away like that, but after realizing that I was only trying to fill the hole left by my ex and that it was not even working it seemed like my only choice.

“I’m sorry it’s just what I need to do.”

And that was the end of it, one last kiss and I walked away. So, I spent the last week or so of my summer in Vermont alone. I was back to the routine from the beginning. Before I knew it, it was time to leave. I was not looking forward to going home because I figured things would not be any different than when I left. However, I was looking forward to the time on the road.

Shortly after I started off it began to pour. Somewhere in Massachusetts the rain got so heavy that I had to pull of the road because I could not see at all. Yet, I did not mind and I was not scared. Just like on the way to Vermont, or in the fog that night, the road brought a sense of calm. The purpose of what I was doing was so straight forward not complicated and messy like everything else in life.

So, as the rain let up and I continued my journey I started to think through the events of the past months. Going though the sequence of events that had occurred once more to see if this time around I could make things fall into place. This road is where it had all started with my failed attempt to escape my past.
Temporarily lost somewhere in Pennsylvania I pulled off at a rest stop. Sitting alone in the car I realized that this feeling was quite familiar. I was alone, but no more alone than I had always been. He was gone, but nothing had really changed.

Pulling back onto the highway feeling rather relieved, I thought nothing except now I am free.

*A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, p. 230