fin

It's difficult to say what exactly I got out of this trip. Of course, like any time in life, I got a number of things, definable and undefinable alike. Right now, more than anything, I feel like I made some solid friendships and learned much, much more Spanish. Of course, nothing turned out like I planned, just like any situation in which you plan things. I had all these little exciting plans which I failed on. I don't really feel sad about this, or glad, just kind of silly for having planned them. They were little things, like "I'm going to take a dance class," "I'm going to volunteer no matter what," "I'm going to floss everyday" and "I'm going to try to read the paper everyday." I know those are trivial, but I get excited about things like that and I sort of let myself down on that level. I think I made up for it though, or something, on other unexpected levels, mainly the social level. In my time at NYU I've sort of been a hater, and really didn't make many friends before being here (especially because I never dormed, and always lived with my boyfriend.) I really didn't want to have much to do with the NYU social life, since I'm weird and skeptical about college life in general, but by the end of last year I felt sort of silly and bad about this. The group here in Buenos Aires is really great (I think), and, I guess it's sort of ironic, but more than anything, I'll be leaving BA with good friends in New York.

On the level of language, I feel good. Of course there's always a better way to do things, and I could have learned much, much, much more Spanish with more discipline, but I feel like I have gotten pretty far, and worked a lot on this. I've noticed, being away, how important my seasons are to me, and how strange it is to mix them up. Here, the temperature is exactly opposite, so I arrived in their winter and now we're just getting into the dead of summer. This messes with my head, and I know my body will be really confused when I arrive in NY next week only to experience the freezing cold. In a way, I guess I'm sort of happy about it, which is bizarre, since I've always fared terribly with the cold. There's something about the change of seasons though, as much as I can never stay warm, that is really important to me. I think it has to do with some sort of feeling of closure/reflection/trajectory (I know these words are pretty dissimilar, but I like them all). This is because, with seasons, I can have some clear idea of the year, of time.

I wonder what other people (all of you in this course) are feeling about going back/homesickness, etc. I think it's interesting how people are feeling here. Right now I'm disregarding the personal level of missing the people you love, and talking simply about the PLACES. A lot of us really feel ready to go back and excited about it, but then we take a step back, and sort of think "oh shit, I'm really leaving" and it seems strange and shocking, but not necessarily super sad. Sad in a way, but more than anything, strange. I think this strangeness, for me at least, has to do with being so very unclearly somewhere between tourist and resident. Of course none of us have been in these places long enough to know them like someone who really lives here, but we are certainly not just passing through. The confusing feeling I'm getting is--will I miss this place and remember it as one of my homes? I guess in some ways yes, but in more ways, no. Still, the in between feeling is a new one for me.

Last final reflection--I'm really glad I came to live this different life for a little while.

salt flat