You, Your Child, and the Abyss

Diagram 4CYou’ve just finished reading "The Sheltering Sky" and "Heart of Darkness" and by now you’re probably wondering: “What’s all this fuss about the abyss? Should I be worried?” Well, this article was written to answer a few of your questions and provide useful information if you are ever approached by, or are in danger of encountering the abyss.
First things first: be prepared!
The best way to deal with the abyss is to stay well-informed and have a plan of action ready. “When,” you might ask “am I most likely to encounter the abyss?” Good question, but the truth is that it’s different for everyone, and despite what most people think, it doesn’t always have to happen with death close by; it could happen while you’re eating cereal and your wife tells you she thinks the curtains could use a change, or when you read the lottery numbers on TV and discover, once again, you will not be a bajillionaire this week. The best advice is my first piece of advice: be prepared!
Where do abysses live?
First of all, there is only one abyss; one abyss whose existence is so dreadfully total and hopeless that to acknowledge any other meaning in life would be a sad, pathetic, and bitter delusion. So, we will refer to it in the singular. The abyss likes the cool, dark climate on the outer fringe of your consciousness.
What does the abyss eat?
Hope.
What should I do if encountered by the abyss? Do not throw sticks or rocks in an attempt to deter the abyss, as these items will simply fall into its void of nothingness. Similar tactics, such as banging together pots and pans or raising one’s arms above one’s ahead so as to appear larger, have proven equally ineffectual. Remember to remain calm and make no sudden movements. If possible, stay downwind and avoid eye contact for as Friedrich Nietzsche, who encountered the abyss early in his pathetic existence noted, “if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” This could be seen by the abyss as an invitation and should be avoided at all costs. Remember, you are more scared of the abyss than the abyss is scared of you. In fact, fear does not exist in the abyss.
If you have children, take a sturdy nylon rope, tie it around their waist, and suspend them between two trees so that they are well out of reach, as diagram 4C shows. This does not actually prevent them from an encounter with the abyss (it is well known children are less prone to encounters with the abyss), but will protect them from whatever rash decisions you may make upon your discovery that your life has been, will be, and always was meaningless. Yikes!
What should I do if I am around a dead/dying person?
If someone close to you is dying, quietly leave their side until nature has run its course, as the dying tend to attract the abyss and you may be subjected to unwanted epiphanies about the meaninglessness of life, the futility of your existence, etc.
I’ve gazed into the abyss. Now what?
Notable abyss expert Alfred Camus [Kam-Moo], who studied the abyss for most of his pathetic existence, has a few suggestions. Camus suggests that, in absence of any real meaning to your existence, you can fabricate a meaning which has individual significance for you, thus effectively creating a new plane of morality and meaning while revolting against the indifferent and absurd universe. One may become an actor, engage in copious amounts of sex, or write books.
If your abyss is a nihilistic rather than an existential one however (which may be the case), you should invest in creative and tragic means by which to kill yourself.
How can I raise my child to protect him or her from the abyss?
Such matters are very difficult and the center of discussion for many scholars, educators, and parents. The prevailing wisdom seems to be: start early! Prepare your child from an early age and reinforce the idea that when they die they will not enter heaven, but will meet a void of dark nothingness so profound and empty it will make them beg that their nonexistent souls be submitted to eternal torture and hellfire as an alternative.
I hope this information has been useful and please remember: if you stay prepared and follow these instructions, you and your children can have a safe and pleasant journey through your vapid existence.